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March 2, 2010 / dcwisdom

Triple Date Night

Queen Mother rang the telly this afternoon:  “I haven’t done anything fun in a long time; let’s catch a movie this afternoon.”

I was ready.  I’d been going cross-eyed with corporate tax figures and ready to see something entertaining and not have to ‘think.’  I was ready to laugh and celebrate since my corporation figures are showing a good loss. 

We picked The Tooth Fairy for something to laugh about.  Besides, I will see every movie Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is in!  I normally don’t swoon over the romantic Hollywood men, but the knee-slap characters like “The Rock,” Jethro Boudine (The Beverly Hillbillies) and Kramer (Seinfeld) and Klinger (*MASH*) just tickle my funnybone.    

So, we triple dated – Mom, Mary, and I.

Between a light supper at the bakery and the movie, we shopped in B-A-M, and looky what I found for $6.97!  How old do you think the woman is on the cover?   My guess is sixty-nine, and not a day over.

Now, for all you beautiful, younger bloggers, I would like to say ‘thank you’ for making the competition so tough.  I remember the days when I could turn a few heads; these days, they look at my face and then my body, and go throw up.  Who knew back in those early days what motherhood could do to a body, and nobody told me.  I feel totally disadvantaged now.
The other day, my much younger friend and I were talking to a man about my age.   (We weren’t talking about my age.)  He totally focused on speaking to me just because he wants my vote in the upcoming election.  Bless my young friend’s heart.  The young thing was actually jealous because the man wouldn’t look at her.  And she’s not ugly.  After it was all said and done, I thought, ‘I’ve still got it!’   Whatever ‘it’ is.
After I first dyed my hair blonde (better to go blonde than gray, that’s my motto), I was sitting on a bench in the mall, and this twenty-ish boy walked by, staring at me and giving me that ‘hey mama’ look.  Really.  I thought ‘what’s up with him?’  I tried to read his expression.  Was it ‘will you be my mama’ or ‘will you buy me something to eat’ or ‘can I have $20.’  I just don’t get the seduce-the-older-woman thing.   I mean, what’s the point?  I’ve trained one already. 
Unless you are a Hollywood woman —
Now, who would look at her lips?   Hmmm?
I’m beginning to think there are no more real women in Hollywood.  Everything is lifted, plumped, painted, plucked, colored, lazered, lipo’d, capped, veneered, tanned, straightened, curled, fluffed, flattened, buffed, whitened…  Yeah, look at Sharon Stone in matte red.  Just pitiful.
The message here is…faux is better.  That’s right.  Fake ’em out.
Forevermore, don’t show your age.   And certainly don’t act your age.

So, I’m going to read about how to ‘manage your wrinkles.’   I saw this thing on tv once about this woman that looked very young.  Then she revealed her secret:  Every day, she performed her own plastic surgery by using Scotch tape.  She then proceeded to remove all the tape from her scalp underneath her hair which was holding her face up.  Amazing!

My daddy used to tell us about the couple who recently married.  The guy just knew he was the luckiest man in the world marrying such an extraordinarily beautiful woman.  On their honeymoon and before bed, she began to remove all her ‘aids,’ her hearing aid, her glass eye, her false teeth, her wig, and her lift-and-separate bra.  The man promptly had a heart attack and died. 

Oh, well.  Hollywood doesn’t have a thing on me.  I’m a real woman.  But, I’m going for the ten years younger tricks for $6.97.  I’ll let you know how they work out for me. 

See you in the funny papers.