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January 27, 2010 / dcwisdom

The Greatest Toastmaster Story of the Year


The simple truth about this story is that very few people know this.  It is, in fact, true, and I have a witness, and one who thinks he is a witness, and I am posting this oh-so-terribly-embarrassing-but-hilarious story about myself just so I can say that I still have no skeletons in my closet. 

Ok, I actually do have one or two huge secrets that I might share about myself some day…  Maybe… since y’all are my BFFs…

As I have shared back in October, I am a Toastmaster.  Not a current member, but I’ll always think of myself as one.  I am an Advanced Communicator Silver, Competent Leader (under the old leadership program).  If any of you out there know about Toastmasters, you’ll know it took me over three years to gain this status.  I worked hard for it.

Two years ago, I won the humorous speech contest for my club, my area, my division, but did not place in District 50.   The five to seven minute speech is written and expanded into three parts posted in October 2009.  Check the archives under “I’ve Got to Lose Weight.”  (Maybe someday I’ll figure out how you click it from here.)

So, the story goes as such:

At the division contest in Longview, I was so ready to give this speech, very hyped up.  This speech had proven to be very funny to the audiences which fueled my excitement. 

It was a cold day in March, so I had worn a broomstick skirt with boots, fortunately.  As I prepared to take the stage, my excitement was mounting as the audience was revved up from the previous speeches.  

The introduction into the speech went well.  As I was telling the part about shooting the raccoons and jumping up and down, the audience was shaking with laughter at my antics.  It was kind of like one of those out-of-body experiences where your eyes are the camera, and you are panning around in slo-mo, seeing everyone’s mouths wide open and hearing deep, deep HA………HA……..HA………HA……….. 

The more laughter, the more excited and animated I became. 

And then it happened. 

I became so wired that I peed all under my skirt; I even crossed my legs underneath my skirt but could not stop the flow.  My hose, my socks, my slip, and my boots were totally wet, and I was 100% flushed.  So, with great effort on my part, I finished the speech, hoping and praying I wasn’t leaving puddles on the floor.

When I was excused from the stage by the Toastmaster, I left the stage with, seemingly, great confidence and poise and darted straight to the ladies’ room.  In the stall, I shed all my clothes but the skirt and boots.  Just tossed them into the trash can.  Can you imagine the janitor emptying that can thinking, “What do these Toastmaster people DO at these meetings?”  I retrieved my tiny bottle of parfume from my purse’s abyss and sprayed myself.

I returned to the meeting room and sat in my chair.  My friend beside me asked me if I was sick. 
“Yes.” 
“Are you ok?” 
“No.”
“Is there anything I can do?”  

I looked straight at her, no expression, and said, “Do you have an extra pair of underwear I can borrow?”   I could see the light of great understanding dawning in her face.   Did she smell something?  She died right there.

At the end of all the speeches, the Toastmaster had all the speakers return to the stage for the ending questions and then the results of the contest.  Only one other person knew that I was standing there naked under my clothes, and she wasn’t telling.

I graciously accepted the trophy and certificate declaring me first place in the division.   Smiled a few smiles for the cameras.  Shaked some hands.  Met the judges.   Took congratulations from other Toastmasters.  Left the building and had the carpool head straight to the Dollar Store for a package of underwear.

So, haha, Toastmasters!  I pulled one on you.  The Naked Winner!  And you didn’t even know it!

Oh, yeah, and one of my secrets…..
one of my secrets….
is………..
is……………………………..
is……………………………..
drum roll…………………….
I can’t believe I’m going to say this…………………………………..
I should wear the sign……………………………………………..
just between you and I…….……………………………………………………..
you’ll still be my friends, won’t you……………………………………………………

Sorry…I just can’t say it…
You would forever think of me as _______!  (YOU FILL IN THE BLANK) 
If anyone can guess, I’ll send you a used Texas Roadhouse gift card with a $9.97 balance.

See you in the funny papers.

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