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October 28, 2009 / dcwisdom

I’ve Got to Lose Weight – Conclusion

I’ve Got to Lose Weight – Part III

Just then, I heard my neighbor’s voice, and he was laughing. “Debbie, what are you doing? I brought the sheriff!”

O the stinkin’ toilet! Stifling his laughter, the sheriff shouted at me, “Ma’am?” I knew that voice. I knew that man. His daughter and mine were good friends. He and I had a history of speeding our vehicles in what would normally be a two-hour trip into a one hour haul. He howled, “We need to get you out of that window!” Oh, really? Don’t you dare take a picture, buster.

I screamed at them: “Take a picture and it’ll last longer! Go home, law man! I did not call you!” *pushpullkickpushpullkickpushpullkick* I couldn’t see them, but I knew what they were doing; they were just standing there, like men, with their hands in their pockets, having a good chuckle at a poor, over-abundant woman in trouble.

I heard the sound of another car. My boys! Yep, they had driven up and were laughing their heads off. “Mom, what are you doing? You look funny!” *roar*

I’m sure seeing their chubby mama’s granny-pantied fanny and little fat kicking legs was no laughing matter, but they were bustin’ at the seams. “Mom, are you STUCK?” *harharharhar*

“Boys, you’d better shut up and get in that door and get me outa here! NOW!” I could hear them coming in the house, saying, “Hey, get the camera!” “No, we’d better not do that!” “She wouldn’t feed us for a month!” *harharharharhar*

Then, I felt all those hands…My boys’ hands pulling me through the window by my arms, and other whosoeverhands pushing me through the window by my legs and other places, with me screaming all the way! My whole portly figure was one big, red scrape, all the way down and totally indecent!

Suddenly, at least 20 of them were all in the bathroom. With me half naked. I was crying by then.

“Debbie. Mom. What’s wrong? What happened?” laughing, of course. I showed them the mess on the back deck. The other two critters had abandoned their meal.

I ran back to the bathroom, slammed the door, and locked myself in. How could I ever face anyone again? I could hear the whooping, louder, louder, the knee slapping… I could only imagine the visual images forever committed to memory. I’ve got to lose weight.

So, we can only come away from this story with several morals:

Moral #1: Get somebody sexier to clean house with!
Moral #2: Never wear underwear while cleaning house…never!
Moral #3: Never shoot raccoons in your underwear!
Moral #4: Throw away the granny panties and sports bra for Victoria’s Secret stuff!
Moral #5: Be sure the neighbors aren’t home when you clean house!
Moral #6: Open wide the windows and doors when you clean house in your underwear, but, remember Moral #2.
Moral #7: Slip your cell phone in your panties to use if you ever get locked out of the house!
Moral #8: Remember that fat women can’t crawl through skinny windows!
Moral #9: Always pack heat!!!