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October 19, 2009 / dcwisdom

Sunday’s Ten Minute Report

Good evening. Tonight’s report is sponsored by Hefty.

The Dallas Cowboys did NOT get beat this weekend. (That’s because they didn’t play.) I’m sure Jerry was relieved, like the rest of us.

My great and wonderful kid #4 was in this weekend. He’s such a cut-up, always in a good mood, always has a bear hug for me, and is grateful for life! Of course, he wanted all his favorite foods – queso, fried chicken and fixin’s, lasagna, etc. Dorm food rocks, you know. He’s in ministry school in Dallas and is currently working on five piano recital pieces, one by Rachmaninoff and other like composers. Jeeeepers! What a cut-up dude!

34 and I had our usual Sunday afternoon date. We’ve been doing this for years. We cut out from the rigamoro of kids and head to see 34’s boy Raymond down at the Sonic. After that, we head to the ATM for some cash, get gas, and mosey on out to the renovation house for a front porch sittin’ and conversin’. The stories those porch posts could tell!

Earlier this afternoon, I was heading to get kid #5 from her weekend getaway and thought I would take the trash to our cans located well away from our house. You can guess why. I usually get some kid to do it, but I thought I’d be a good mama and do it myself. Instead of placing the stinky bag in my vehicle, I hung it by the loops on my car door mirror. And instead of stopping by the barrels, I was lost in my own little world and completely forgot about the trash bag hanging from my car door mirror.

Off down the highway I went. Two cars and a truck passed me and honked. I’m thinking, ‘Why are they honking? Do I know them?’ And I craned my neck to see if I recognize them. They were laughing and pointing, and I just waved back, nodded my head, and smiled like maybe I knew them. Maybe…

About a mile or so down the road, my peripheral vision caught the bag movement flapping in the wind. Oh my gosh – the trash! I looked out at the bag, and it looked like the loops were stretching to the point of breaking. I rolled my window down and grabbed the bag. The wind was pretty chilly coming in, but I held on to the bag, not wanting to be parked along side the highway picking up trash.

Down the road about a mile is a convenience store with a large dumpster in the back. How do I know that? Because several years ago, I drove all the way down the highway to that convenience store with another full trash bag on top of my car. When I pulled up, the old grizzly men sitting on the benches outside the store were laughing and pointing and, when I got out, suggested to me that I should put my trash in the dumpster out back instead of carrying it around with me.

So, the store was really busy, and I pulled around to the back of the store to put my trash in the dumpster. I flung it in so hard it went straight to the back and sunk behind all the other trash bags. Before I turned around to walk back to my car, I noticed the sign: “NOT FOR PUBLIC USE. ALL VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSECUTED.”

I looked around. Where are the cameras? Did anybody see me? I considered climbing in the huge can to retrieve my bag, but I jumped back in my car and roared off the lot. Now, I’m a fugitive, running for my life. Always looking over my shoulder. Catch me if you can. If for some reason I ever stop writing here, you’ll know why.

This concludes tonight’s report. Until next time…

See you in the funny papers.